I still do not know death. As a physician, I am taught to identify it, to delay it, but when confronted by it, I struggle with how to process it. This unrest becomes most apparent when I speak with a patient and their family about end-of-life care. "Your mother is dying," I have told a son. "How do you feel about focusing her care on comfort and dignity?"
Amidst the crying and the silence, I considered how I would feel if I lost my mother, and I grieved alongside him.
Afterwards, having unconsciously, but naturally, given part of myself to the moment, I left the room exhausted. Despite all my years of training, I have not received formal instruction on dealing with such palpable heartache -- felt strongly at the time of the encounter and carried with us long after the event ends. This grief remains with me and simply avoiding it is not a sustainable solution.
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